The Phantom Of The Opera Is A Dragon
by Lord Kristine
Summary: The sequel nobody asked for. Well, maybe someone asked for it. I don't know. It's still better than Love Never Dies.
1. Reboot

The Phantom of the Opera, now a dragon and the King of Fiction, awoke with a snort as his yellow dragon grandmother crashed through the ceiling of the Palais Garnier with a lampshade on her head.

"REEEEEEEEEBOOT!"

He blinked.

"What?"

"We're being rebooted!" she cheered, "You're getting a new story, old grandson of mine! Isn't it exciting?"

He rubbed his chin.

"Wait, are you talking about the Overworld, or is this something you're doing on your own?"

"On my own!" she cheered, "Once I found out that my long-lost brother was posing as Dan Harmon, I decided to go on a quest to find the rest of my missing family. Then I realized that they probably hate me, so I came here instead. There's also too many of them, and I'm very lazy, so that definitely contributed to my decision. Now, I'm writing us a new story. Hooray!"

"Aren't you overextended as it is?" he asked flatly.

"Fuck you. This is gonna be fun!" she insisted.

He sighed and rubbed his forehead with two claws.

"Alright. Fine. We'll do this stupid thing. Why did you bring a lampshade?"

She smiled and plucked it off her brow.

"To _lampshade_ how forced this setup is."

She placed it on his head.

"Ta-dah!"

He stared at her neutrally for over thirty seconds.

"This is going to suck, isn't it?"

"Pretty much, yeah."


	2. Horaneith

The Phantom of the Opera was certain of two things. One: he was not looking forward to meeting his grandmother's brother. Two: he should have come up with an excuse to postpone said meeting. These two facts were closely linked, of course, and further supported the notion that, one way or another, this day would end badly.

It was hard to imagine a dragon crazier than Elkay, but according to her, her brother was ten times as out-of-control, and the mere prospect that someone could attain that level of insanity was utterly terrifying. Still, family was family, and he had a moral responsibility to put up with his grandmother's relatives.

At first, when the two dragons appeared on the horizon, it was impossible to tell them apart, but as they drew near, it became easier to distinguish subtle differences in their facial structure. The brother was a bit more square in the jaw, for example, and had smaller ears. They landed semi-gracefully, folding their wings behind their backs in a businesslike way. Elkay smiled and held out her paw.

"Phantom, this is my brother, Horaneith. He's been trained in combat, and is well known for his skilled flight."

She held out her other paw.

"Horaneith, this is my grandson, The Phantom of the Opera. Or Phantom, for short. I saved his life one day, taking him back to Fiction headquarters. We spent thousands of years together, and in that time, we had many adventures. Recently, I found a way to change him into a dragon so he could take his rightful place as King."

Horaneith raised his eyebrows.

"Wow, that's impressive."

Phantom shrugged.

"Not really. It just sort of happened. And it wasn't recently that I changed, from my perspective."

Elkay hummed.

"Yeah, well, I'm over a trillion years old, so . . ."

The male dragon folded his tail over his back and placed his front paws beneath his chin.

"So, they just call you 'Phantom', huh?"

"Pretty much. It's easier that way."

"Cool. It's a much better name than mine. My parents had a bit of an ego."

Elkay gave a long, uncomfortable laugh. Phantom looked at her for a moment, then decided that whatever she was reacting to was not worth investigating. He smiled pleasantly at Horaneith, who gave him a gentle nod.

"Well, it was nice meeting you, Phantom. I hope we'll have a chance to chat later."

"Sure thing. I'll find a time."

"See you."

"Bye."

The dragon spread his wings and flew away. Phantom watched him, then turned to Elkay with a baffled expression.

"He wasn't crazy."

She shrugged.

"Well, people tend to tone down that kind of thing in public. And don't throw stones at a glass house."

"I'm not-"

"Need I remind you that you once shot fireballs at people . . . _before_ you were a dragon!"

He flicked his ears backwards in agitation.

"Shut up."


	3. Twitter

"SCANDAL!"

Elkay's blurting of that one, terrible word was enough to make Phantom tumble from his perch (which happened to be a random podium he fell asleep on for some reason the night prior). He rubbed his head and frowned.

"I always enjoy starting my day with someone shouting in my face."

"Well, this is an emergency."

"I imagine it is. If you're judging this event by your own barometer, calling it a scandal indicates that it's very serious, indeed."

She snuffed.

"Smartass. Actually, this scandal involves you."

Phantom pricked his ears, mentally scanning his recent activities for something that might be considered inappropriate.

"What's going on?"

"Your Twitter has been hacked!"

The Phantom blinked, then exhaled.

"God, you had me worried. I thought it was something serious."

She grabbed him by the beak.

"IT IS. Whoever hacked your account posted a terrible tweet. See?"

She let go of him and held up her phone.

"It says 'I hate dragons.'. This is a travesty!"

The Phantom burst out laughing.

"Seriously?"

"WHAT'S SO FUNNY?!"

"I wasn't hacked," he chuckled, pushing her away gently, "I tweeted that myself. You pissed me off the other day, so I did it as a joke."

Elkay's eyes went wide.

"Do you know how _serious_ this is? You made a hateful comment against a defined species! That's speciesism. You may as well have said you hate Asians!"

"You think Asians are a separate species?"

"No! Well, yes, but what I'm getting at is that targeting a specific group is never okay. That's what Asterparan zebras do, and zebras are bigoted assholes!"

"Isn't one of your best friends a zebra?"

"I don't look at the world through that lens."

Phantom snuffed and began to trot away.

"Fine. I'll delete the tweet if it upsets you that much. It doesn't really matter, either way. Nobody follows me on Twitter, because you haven't allowed me to identify myself as a separate entity."

She pursued him.

"What?"

"You made me change my handle to PhantomTSJPFEW. That implies that you think of me within the context of The Silliest Jurassic Park FanFiction Ever Written, rather than as my own thing."

"Well, your solo story isn't exactly popular . . ."

"I know. All I'm saying is that people don't care what I write online."

"Does this upset you?"

"No. I'm not particularly interested in social media anyway."

She nodded.

"Alright. You know, maybe it's best to leave the tweet up. I mean, it's not hurting anyone, and most dragons read my stuff anyway, so it'll be explained to them in the text I'm currently narrating. Nobody will get offended. Just don't write anything questionable from now on, okay?"

He nodded.

"Fine, but since when did you start caring about our reputation?"

"Since I decided it was important."

"Fair enough."


	4. Autistic Dragon

"PHANTOM!"

Once again, Elkay's piercing voice shredded Phantom's ears like some kind of simile. He was too tired to come up with clever literary devices. Oh! Like cheese! People shredded cheese, right?

"PHANTOM, YOU'RE IN BIG SHIT!"

He lifted his head.

"Why?"

She held up her phone.

"You insulted Carlotta over Twitter."

"So?"

" _So_ ," she emphasized, "This is a big deal. You fucked up, man. You fucked up big time."

Phantom gave a half-yawn half-shrug and slipped out of bed.

"Well, I wouldn't worry about it. You've said far worse things."

"Such as?"

"I dunno. There are so many examples, I can't think of one specifically."

"I've never offended anyone."

"Now, I know that's a lie, because I'm pretty sure you're a Nazi."

"That's a filthy, shitty, slanderous exaggeration of the truth! I don't want to kill all Jews. Just Joel Schumacher."

Phantom rolled his eyes.

"Yeah, that's such an endearing thing to say. You're a real gem. Anyway, as always, I wouldn't worry about it. Carlotta is a Prima Donna, and she has some sort of unfounded grudge against me."

"You killed her husband."

"Point being: I've done nothing wrong on Twitter. It's just a little humor."

"Yeah, well you need to learn to filter that, you autistic fuckface."

Phantom cringed.

"Did you just use autism as an insult? That's low, even for a Nazi."

Elkay snuffed.

"I'm not a Nazi, and I'm using it as a real adjective. You have autism."

Phantom shook his head, letting his dragon-ears flap.

"If this is about Ramin Karimloo's interpretation of me, I'd like to remind you that I'm on the Cudia side of the spectrum."

Elkay chuckled.

"Oh, you're on a spectrum, all right. I'm not just making things up, you know."

Phantom crossed his arms bitterly.

"How can you be sure that I have autism?"

"Because I do too."

He uncrossed his arms. Suddenly, he was at a loss for words.

"I . . . I never thought-"

"Yeah, I was shocked when I learned it, too. I used to think that I was weird because of my personality, but it's the autism that causes it. I was pretty upset about it until I realized that I liked being weird, no matter the reason. It's good to get diagnosed, but regardless of what labels you have, you'll always be yourself."

Phantom scratched his ear.

"That's . . . kind of nice. Are you sure I have it too?"

"Mhm. It's one of the quirks you inherited from me. The more obvious one . . . Well, we've been over that. Keep it covered, and nobody will pry."

"I don't even wear a mask anymore."

She scoffed.

"Well, yeah, because you're not deformed as a dragon. Maybe it's what you were always meant to be."

"An autistic dragon?"

"Mhm."

Phantom nodded loosely.

"Yeah . . . Okay. So what do autistic people do?"

"Same things as you did before, but now you know why. I would avoid conforming to stereotypes, because it makes the public look upon us with horror and pity, neither of which are desirable. That's why I don't watch Doctor Who."

"Are autistic people known for watching Doctor Who?"

"Yeah. That's why it's called the Tardis."

After a second, Phantom's face fell.

"Wow, you're even a dick to your own demographic . . ."


	5. Cinnamon

For the first time that week, Phantom did not wake up to the sound of Elkay screaming in his ear. Instead, his eyes fluttered open as he heard a gentle humming. The smell of waffles drifted towards him, beckoning him forward like in cartoons where things that smell good literally grab people with smell-hands, like the smoke monster from Lost, only in baked good form. The sound of claws tapping on the floor approached him, and soon Horaneith was standing beside his bed.

"Hey, bud. How ya doing?"

Phantom narrowed his eyes suspiciously.

"Good . . ."

"I made you breakfast. I figured you could use it after last night."

Phantom sighed and took the plate from his paws.

"Yeah, Elkay can be a handful when it comes to Twitter. Every time we try something new, she reacts to the mishaps with . . . What's a word for being crazy?"

"Dunno. I'm not a writer."

"Well, she doesn't deal with stress well, especially since Cinnamon has been more harsh than usual lately."

"Cinnamon?" Horaneith echoed.

"Cinnamon is Elkay's most devoted hater," Phantom mumbled through a mouthful of waffles, "He or she leaves bad reviews on her stories."

Horaneith rubbed his chin.

"I'm confused. Is the story in a book or online? I've seen people reading it, but you mentioned comments . . ."

Phantom scooped up another waffle.

"Yeah, there are different versions. Mostly, people buy editions from the library here in the opera, but the majority of fan interactions happen online. Hence, Cinnamon."

Horaneith clicked his tongue.

"So this Cinnamon is really bugging Elkay?"

"Mhm. A lot. She doesn't respond well to conflict."

Horaneith smiled.

"Well, it's a good thing Cinnamon isn't nearby."

Phantom used his dragon-tongue to lick syrup off the plate.

"Actually, we have no idea who Cinnamon is. He or she could be closer than we think."

Horaneith raised his eyebrows.

"Hopefully not, though."

"Hopefully not."


	6. Looking For Romance

Phantom had to admit that Horaneith was turning out to be a pretty cool guy. Not that he needed another friend, since he had met so many people over the course of thirty or so years, but even so, it was nice to have a dragon on his side. Well, other than Elkay. Half the time, it seemed like she didn't care about him in the slightest. Maybe now that Ellie was out of the picture, she'd smarten up. He wasn't about to hold his breath, because Elkay seemed adamant to spend the majority of her time with that damn statue. She was literally more interested in a rock than she was in her own grandson. Ah, well. At least she was less focused on Twitter this week.

"Phantom!"

Now, there was a voice he could count on. He turned to face the woman who had uttered his name in an expression of sheer joy and marveled at the fact that anyone could find it within themselves to utter his name in an expression of sheer joy. Elizabeth bounded down the hall and leapt into his arms. They shared a kiss, then hugged each other tightly.

"I missed you," she beamed, "How have you been?"

"Same old, same old," he said with a shrug.

"You're not a dragon right now."

"I was expecting you."

She gave a mischievous grin and batted at his mask.

"Don't tell me you did this just for me."

"It's true," he affirmed, "I've been counting the days you've been gone. Should I ask you how your trip went?"

"Why do you need permission?"

"I don't usually ask people about things like that, but I'm trying to be more normal. In reality, as selfish as it is, I don't care about how your vacation went. All that matters to me is that you're back here, because you make me so, so happy."

She smiled and kissed him again. They rubbed noses, then began to walk down the hall, holding hands. As they passed the foyer of the opera, Elizabeth began to fidget. It was an excited gesture, but it made Phantom suspicious.

"What are you so happy about?"

She smiled, biting her lip.

"Well . . ."

Suddenly, she composed herself, clearing her throat in a not-so-subtle way.

"It's nothing."

He rolled his eyes.

"Don't play these games, Liz. I know something's up."

"I'm just glad to see you, that's all."

He quirked a brow.

"You're never _this_ happy to see me."

She spun around.

"I am, though. I've been meaning to talk to you. See, I've been thinking about this a long time, and . . ."

She started giggling. Phantom was doing his best to be patient, but he didn't like being left in the dark.

"Liz . . ."

"Do you think we're a weird ship?" she asked abruptly.

"Not particularly, but bear in mind that my grandmother is a dragon who once banged the letter Q."

"But we're good together, right?"

"Absolutely."

"So I was thinking . . ."

"Yes?"

"We should really . . ."

"Yeah? . . ."

"Have a baby!"

Phantom did not blink for a very long time. Eventually, though, he composed himself, taking a deep breath.

"Okay. It's kind of out-of-nowhere, but I'm open to it. We'll do our research, find an adoption agency-"

"Actually, I was thinking we could just have one of our own."

Phantom blinked twice.

"Like . . . a test tube baby?"

She shoved him playfully.

"No, just normal, you dummy."

She noticed that he was not smiling. Her smile disappeared as well. Phantom inhaled deeply and placed his hands together serenely.

"Liz . . . You know what that would require, right?"

"Well, no parent can ever truly know what to exp-"

"No, I mean the . . . _mechanics_ behind it."

She narrowed her eyes.

"Mechanics?"

"Of procreation."

Elizabeth rolled her eyes.

"Oh my god, Phantom. I'm not stupid. I know how biology works."

"I'm not implying- No, look. That's not it. I know you know how babies are made."

"Yeah."

"And you also know that in the many years we've been allowed to date, we haven't had sex once."

"Sure, but that can change."

Phantom blinked.

"Right . . . can you excuse me for a moment?"

Elizabeth frowned.

"If you have an issue, we-"

"NO! IT'S NOT THAT! I . . . I got a psychic summon from Elkay."

"A what?"

"A psychic summon. Bye."

In the blink of an eye, he changed into a dragon and burst through the ceiling. He understood, of course, that this only made his situation worse, but he was too afraid to do anything else. He beat his wings furiously, then crossed dimensions. Elkay and Horaneith were sitting in a courtyard, having lunch. Phantom landed between them, skidding through the dirt and practically making an impact crater. His grandmother's eyes went wide as he skittered up to her.

"Elkay, help! Elizabeth wants to have a baby, but I'm not sure I'm ready for sex!"

Elkay blinked, then calmly put down the chocolate bar she had been eating. She folded her tail around her feet and took a deep breath.

"Phanny Boy, let me tell you a little something about sex. I've had a lot of it in my lifetime, and I _do_ mean a lot, but it never made me happy. Not usually, anyway. See, my parents were never much in love, so I didn't really have any idea what sex was for, other than a cheap thrill and maybe a child or two . . . or billions. What I'm saying is that sex isn't just something you do willy nilly, or for the wrong reasons. Sure, you got these new age bozos saying that you should fuck just for fun, but that's like rent-a-puppy. You take the dog for a walk, and it gets its hopes up, thinking you'll take it home, but you're just one of many people who doesn't want to put the effort into a meaningful relationship. Now, I'm not saying you should fuck a dog, don't get me wrong. Just know that sex can hurt. You may think you're on top- literally or figuratively- but you seldom are. I thought I would feel better about myself if I could be in control, to say that sex was just a thing I could do whenever, because I had that power. It only hurt me in the end. Well, not only me. Others, too. See, no matter what kind of personal trauma you're going through, don't forget that others have feelings too. While you're fucking some poor innocent person just for a lark, they might already be flashing forward to your wedding day, and then you have to tell them how little the sex actually meant to you. The look in their eyes when that happens . . . it's not something you want to see. Hedonism is not a good philosophy. I mean, sure, be happy, but don't think that every little urge should be pursued. I like Aero Bars, for example, but I wouldn't eat them 24/7, or I'd never get off the ground. See, pleasure may feel good temporarily, but while you're getting that momentary burst of happiness, you may be cutting deep into someone else, so deep that you leave permanent scars, even. And that person might just be yourself. So don't think that indulgence is the be-all end-all. What matters above all is love, not lust or want. Think of others, not just yourself."

Phantom stared at her for a moment. His ear twitched, and he turned to Horaneith.

"Do _you_ have any advice?"

He shrugged.

"Bang her. If she's willing to put out, you may as well take advantage of that."

Phantom hummed.

"I guess that makes sense. Plus, she might be mad if I don't. Thanks!"

He rushed away, leaving Elkay with her jaw hanging. It took her a moment to realize that she ought to be pursuing him. She took off, tearing across the sky. Horaneith watched her leave.

"Wow. That was rude," he scoffed, "She didn't even finish her lunch."


	7. Decision Time

Elkay managed to catch up to Phantom before he had a chance to do anything drastic. She nipped his wing, and when he wouldn't stop, she tackled him to the ground. It was quite a long distance to fall, and when they landed, they sent dirt flying. She pushed his chest into the ground with both paws and bared her teeth.

"What the fuck are you doing?! I gave you a beautiful speech about the dangers of irresponsible sex, and you listen to my fucking brother instead? What the hell were you thinking?!"

Phantom scowled.

"You haven't exactly been the most reliable mentor, Elkay."

"Fine, but don't tell me that speech meant nothing to you!"

"It didn't! You just pretend to be wise so people will believe it's true."

"Lies! . . . Well, okay, yes, but not in this case! I care about you, Phantom, and I don't want you to make a decision you'll regret later on in life. I know you don't trust me, and that's fair, but don't you think it says something about the gravity of the situation when I, a dragon who bangs anything that moves, is telling you to reconsider?"

Phantom pushed her off of his torso and stood up, shaking his wings.

"That makes you both bossy _and_ hypocritical."

Elkay slithered in front of him as he trotted away.

"Please, just listen to me! This is a bad idea. You're not ready for a sexual relationship."

"I'm thousands of years old."

"Doesn't matter. You're doing this for the wrong reasons."

Phantom sneered.

"So what? Do you know how humiliating it is to have to explain to everyone that I'm still a virgin after thousands of years? I have enough gossip to worry about without this stupid sex thing popping up all the time. I'm sick of it! Why not just end the torment?"

"Because you're not ready!" Elkay insisted, "Whether you're a virgin or not should have no bearing on the way people see you, and what's more, Elizabeth isn't asking for a one night stand: she wants a _child_. Are you _sure_ you can be a parent?"

"Considering my lineage, probably not."

Elkay folded her ears back, then snuffed.

"Okay, fine. You're being immature because you're dealing with complex emotions. We've all been there. But listen: just because everyone is pressuring you into sex doesn't mean that it's the right thing to do. Sex, alcohol, and drugs are things that may seem like a good idea, but in reality, they cause more trouble than they're worth, and the benefits are minimal."

Phantom rolled his eyes.

"Fine talk, coming from you. If sex is so terrible, why are you constantly having it?"

"BECAUSE I HATE MYSELF! I'M TRYING TO SAVE YOU FROM THE SAME FATE!"

Phantom stared at her with a deep frown. Elkay stared back. She would not break eye contact, which was unusual. Nevertheless, he was not daunted by her abnormal behavior. Even if she was serious, her advice had proven to be less than reliable in the past. He'd take it at face value.

"Let's not kid ourselves, Elkay. Although there are times when it seems like you might actually like me, the person in your life whom you care about most is yourself."

"That's not true."

"It is, and to add insult to injury, there's a long line of people you love more than me. As a point of fact, if Ellie weren't dead, you wouldn't even _be_ here."

"Phantom . . ."

"Can you honestly say that's not true?"

Her ears drooped.

"No, but-"

"I don't need you to parent me, Elkay, especially since you do half the job, maybe less. You only care about me when there's a crisis, but otherwise, you don't give a damn about my life. You don't listen to my music, you don't read my essays, and I don't think you've once asked me if I'm okay when something bad happens. All you care about is your reputation, so when you put on this facade of caring about me, it's only because you can't live with the guilt that you let another grandchild fall into ruin."

Elkay's throat was quivering. Phantom wasn't sure he'd seen her act like this before.

"Actually, I wouldn't be surprised if this whole thing is just a repeat of when you wouldn't let me date Elizabeth. It might be strange for two characters from different canons to reproduce, right? That would make you look disorganized."

"Phantom, this isn't about Fiction. My rules-"

"Are abolished, because they were stupid and totalitarian."

"I know!"

"But that doesn't mean you won't stop me from besmirching your already bad reputation."

"Phantom, this isn't about that, and you used 'besmirch' weirdly. You can't besmirch a reputation, since besmirching means 'to ruin a reputation'. Besmirching already implies that- LOOK, I'M TRYING TO TELL YOU I CARE, OKAY?!"

"I don't know why you bother to pretend. You're only embarrassing yourself."

"I'm not pretending . . ."

"You are. I know this because you only started to show emotion when I mentioned Ellie. She was your favorite. You couldn't care less about me."

"I _do_ care about you! I care more than you can ever know . . ."

He rolled his eyes.

"Whatever, Elkay. I'll see you around, but don't try to raise me when you can't even commit to your other descendants. Tundra called, by the way. She finished her spirit journey."

Elkay perked up.

"Is she coming to see me?"

"No. The message was for Voxlemnion. I just mentioned it because it's a good example of why you can never be a real parent . . . or grandparent."

Elkay did not follow him as he flew away. She did not cry, she did not react with anger, and she did not show any emotion whatsoever. She did sit down, however, and analyze Phantom's words like . . . well, like the opposite of an author, if such a thing had a name. It was about time she thought things through, though it was possible that she would once again be frightened by her own thoughts and stop halfway. But she didn't. Instead, she evaluated the pros and cons of her interactions with Phantom, and with people in general. Eventually, she came to the conclusion that it was once again time to start a new life in an attempt to prove to herself that she could be happy. Just not in this shape. Not with the mistakes she'd made.

So, there it was. She was leaving again. It was for the best.

But it made her feel very empty, indeed.


	8. African Forest

As Phantom made his way back to Fiction headquarters, he couldn't stop himself from muttering nondescript words of disdain about Elkay. He tried to quiet down and keep his thoughts nonverbal, but he ended up sputtering nonsense nonetheless. It was kind of like making faces while reading a book: an unconscious gesture that made nearby people doubt a man's sanity. Thankfully, no one was flying close to him.

Anyway, he didn't need Elkay. She was the root of his misery, and her brief moments of compassion could not compensate for the pain she'd caused. It would be different if she was unaware of her quirks, but she actively chose to feed bad habits, and whenever she discovered the repercussions of her actions, she quickly forgot about the lessons she'd learned and repeated her process all over again. Perhaps that kind of thing came with age. She was, after all, over a trillion years old, and living that long couldn't be easy. Then again, her brother seemed normal enough, so it very well could be that she was just an inherent fuck-up, an anomaly among perfectly ordinary siblings. And speaking of Horaneith . . .

"Hey, Phantom! How are things?"

Horaneith was clicking down the sidewalk on his tiptoes, seemingly very pleased for some reason. Phantom sighed and shook his head as he came in for a landing.

"Just had a talk with Elkay. Things aren't going well at all. No offense, but she's not exactly . . ."

He tried to think of a good way to finish his sentence.

". . . right."

Horaneith nodded.

"Yeah, she's pretty crazy. I think the only reason she was appointed Queen was because she got extremely lucky. Back in the day, she was a little saner, too. I guess the responsibility made her crack, though that doesn't excuse her actions."

Phantom nodded.

"Every time I start to feel bad for her, I remember how little she cares about my feelings. I just don't know if I can put up with her anymore."

"So are you gonna kick her out of this world?"

Phantom shook his head.

"Can't. Voxlemnion is still working with me at the Opera, and he's sure that Elkay can be tamed if we keep her on a tight leash. He hasn't been around as long as I have . . ."

"So give him a vacation. He's been dying to get out as much as anyone else who lives here-"

"No, I don't think so. He loves his books. Like, a lot. He's very much a bookworm, and he'd rather sit in the library than socialize."

"So send him to a new library. Shake things up a bit."

Suddenly, there was a panicked flapping of wings, and a blue macaw fluttered in front of Phantom's face like a broken Tiki Room animatronic. He held up his talons to reveal a small note.

"Majordomo, sir, I have a letter from-"

"Blu, I'm not the Majordomo anymore, and I'm kind of busy."

"But it's from Elkay!" he squawked, "She's going to travel to the Overworld and start a new life, erasing her memories for what could very well be a decade or more! If she goes through with this, we won't be able to find her-"

"I don't care. A decade is nothing. I can wait."

"But the last time she left-"

"I was new to the job, and I didn't realize how foolish my grandmother could be. If you're implying I'll turn our government into a dictatorship again-"

"No!" Blu squawked, "That's not what I'm saying at all! If we're attacked-"

Phantom grabbed the note from his claws and tore it up. Blu fell to the ground, watching with wide eyes as the paper fragments twirled through the air like snowflakes.

"Enough, Blu. I don't need Elkay. I can run Fiction alone."

Blu bit his beak and hopped away awkwardly.

"I'm sorry. I was just trying to warn you . . ."

"And you did. You are dismissed."

The macaw flew away, leaving Phantom and Horaneith alone once more. There was a pause, then they simultaneously turned to the Opera House.

"So did you really turn into a dictator when Elkay left?" Horaneith asked flatly.

Phantom shrugged.

"I've always been a little controlling when it comes to leadership. It stems from a lifetime of being put down, I suppose."

"Ah. I can't imagine how hard that must have been, living in a basement and all. By the way, I found out what's been eating so much power in our building. There's this room in the sewers-"

"Crap! I must have left the torture chamber on! I haven't used that thing since I interrogated YA spies. We ought to fix that."

"After you."

They entered the Opera, passing various fictional characters. Horaneith gave them side-glances, then leaned close to Phantom.

"So you're really okay with letting former enemies run amok?"

"Yeah. As efficient as my dictatorship was, compassion should always come before progress. Kind of ironic how I supported the fictional apartheid when it was isolation that drove me to being an Opera Ghost in the first place. I guess treating other people like shit isn't right, even if they did the same to you."

They trotted down a staircase and opened a trap door, which they entered separately.

"I dunno," Horaneith mumbled, "It seems to me that the only way we get anywhere is by rising above emotionality."

Phantom shook his head.

"The cost of limitless progress is too great. In most cases, anyway. I mean, would it be right to test cancer cures on lab rats? I don't know. I'm not a philosopher. But I do know that after a certain point, you lose too many rats. So it's also mathematical, in a way. I guess no one's developed a formula for morality."

"And you think you can judge these things soundly?"

"I'm a pretty levelheaded guy," Phantom said as he opened the door to his torture chamber.

"Fair enough. So you must also think it's okay to let lesser works exist among true literature?"

Phantom shrugged as he entered the hall of mirrors.

"I guess so. We need to experience shit stories to remind us why good novels are good. Free speech, and all. Plus, even the worst stories can inspire. Sometimes, art can be drawn from pulp. It's like a paradox, almost. We need to fail in order to succeed. Speaking of which, I think you've made a mistake. The lights are off in here, so the chamber really isn't working at all. Could be a bug in the system, but if we're going to check it, I need you in the control room so I don't get fried by accident. Come to think of it, I really should have installed an emergency off switch in here just in case I get-"

The door clicked shut.

". . . trapped."

Phantom gulped and looked around. Without the light from the doorway, it was pitch black. He cleared his throat.

"Um, Horaneith? You there?"

He walked forward slowly, only to bump into a mirror.

"Hello? Are you on the outside?"

There was a pause.

"Yeah, I'm not on the inside."

Phantom exhaled.

"Oh, good. I was worried that I'd be stuck in here."

Horaneith hummed awkwardly.

"Um, yeah . . . I wasn't going to tell you this on the off chance that you'd find a way out, but I kind of locked you in here on purpose."

Phantom felt his heart drop.

"What? . . ."

"I'm taking over Fiction. I had a long and complex plan, but it's actually easier just to kill you and let Elkay do her Overworld thing. Full disclosure, I didn't think of straight up murdering you until this morning, because I've been playing it by ear. I thought I could slowly tear apart this world by feeding into your distrust of Elkay, but that was taking too long. This is better, I think."

Phantom started breathing rapidly.

"Wait! You can't do this! Won't anyone be suspicious of you?"

"Maybe, but I was crunching some numbers, and I actually have the power to improve the economy significantly, so everyone will just focus on that."

"What?! That makes no sense! How can you think you'll get away with murder?"

"It's like you said: for all their faults, dictatorships are more efficient. I plan to reinstate the separation of crap fiction and art, and when I do-"

"But the last time we tried that, there was a revolution."

"You can't revolt if you're dead."

Phantom sneered.

"So you're just going to kill half of the fictional population?"

"Mhm. And I also plan to take over the story, not that that matters. When I'm in charge, there will be no conflict."

"Let me guess: you were also Cinnamon this whole time."

"Yeah. I was trying to get Elkay to stop writing, because that complicates things, but I guess it was all for nothing."

"What do you mean 'it complicates things'?"

"She's more plugged in when she's writing. The only time she cares about you or anyone else is when it matters to the plot. She doesn't see the reality of life; she sees situations through the lens of fiction, and anything else is not worthy of her attention. That's why she forgot you for so long: she was done with your story."

Phantom fell silent. As much as he was furious that he was about to be murdered, he had to wonder if Horaneith was right. After all, the one time Elkay had done something excessively nice for him was when his story was ending. Could it be that she only made him a dragon in order to let him go? All evidence pointed to that answer. She had even replaced him with her other grandchild, whom she was narrating for at the time. Oh, no . . .

"She really didn't care about me," Phantom whispered, "She handed over her kingdom because she wanted to get rid of me, not because she thought I was ready."

"Well, to be fair, she kind of thought you were ready, because she was closing your character arc. But yeah, she's always been a dick."

Phantom let himself change out of his dragon form. He sat down and stared ahead vacantly. Horaneith took a deep breath.

"Well, I'm sorry your last moments had to be so painful. On the bright side, I heard Elliesium is all the rage right now. You'll have plenty of family up there."

The lights flicked on, bouncing off mirrors and raising the temperature of the room almost immediately.

"I'll turn this thing up so there's less torture and more killing, but I'm not really sure how long it will take for you to die, so . . ."

Phantom did not answer.

"I can wait around for a bit, but I sense that you want to be alone."

Phantom leaned over and curled up on the floor.

"So, in summation, I'm sorry you had to die, but I'm going to be an awesome replacement, so that's the silver lining . . . You know what? I'm just gonna leave. See you later . . . Actually, no. That's not right. See you never. Goodbye!"

The room was reaching an unbearable temperature. Phantom did not attempt to escape. He had built the chamber to prevent such things, and besides, he didn't really feel like living anyway. No matter how much he tried to convince himself that there was a point to his existence, he was always proven wrong.

Maybe it was best just to give up.


	9. Patient

Phantom wasn't really a morning person, and often awoke with a drowsy kind of feeling that wouldn't go away until he was out of bed. He was in that state now, only it was a little different for some reason. When he opened his eyes, he realized why. He was lying on a hospital bed with a wet towel draped over his brow, and he appeared to be wearing a gown. Quickly, he sat up, and it was then that he noticed something wrapped around his wrist. It was the tip of Elkay's tail, which for some reason was missing the usual triangle-shape on the end. As his head pounded from the sudden motion, Elkay leaned close to him. She appeared to be relieved that he was awake. Phantom speculated that she was just putting on a show, but she scooped him up suddenly and gave him a hug.

"Don't ever do that again."

He coughed.

"Do what? Get trapped in a torture chamber by your brother? I don't plan to."

She set him down and flipped the towel on his head. The other side was cooler.

"Are you feeling better?"

"Yes. What happened?"

"I was reading the story, and all of a sudden, Horaneith turned on you . . . I came back to save you, and after I did, I had a little chat with my brother."

The claw marks on her side indicated that they had done more than just chatting.

"Anyway, he promised not to bring you into our quarrel, so you're safe for now," she finished.

Phantom held up her tail with both hands to examine it.

"Did he bite it off?"

"My cauda? No, it ran out."

Phantom blinked.

"I don't follow."

Elkay rolled her eyes.

"The point of a dragon's tail is made of super dense molecules consisting of the stuff we eat. That's why we don't poop. The molecules can break down to make energy, or simply exit in another form. That's where dragon breath powers come from. I used a lot of fire today, so the molecules I've been storing for the past decade or so ran out. I'll be back to normal once I eat."

Phantom set her tail to the side.

"That's a lot of fire."

"Most of it was ice, come to think of it."

There was a long silence. After a moment, Elkay let out a long breath.

"I really do like you, you know."

Phantom avoided her gaze. She nudged him.

"Hey. I know you don't believe me, and you have every right, but I'm telling the truth. Sometimes, I get pissed off and take my anger out on you, and other times I don't show how much I care, but you really are important to me. As for whether the story takes precedence over you, I'll admit that I get wrapped up in my own little world every now and then, but the fact is, there wouldn't even _be_ a story if it weren't for you."

"So you like me because you like the story."

"No. I like you _more_ than the story. The story isn't even that good. Given the choice between the two of you, I'd give up writing a hundred times before I ever let you go. As far as I'm concerned, the story can suck it."

Phantom sighed.

"I can't allow myself to believe you. Every time I think you've changed, you revert back to your crazy ways. This relationship is toxic. I don't know if it's healthy to stay in it."

Elkay nodded.

"You're right. I've noticed it, too. Everyone I get close to suffers for knowing me. That's why Ellie . . ."

She gulped, then composed herself.

"I'm sorry you had to be my grandson. If there was a way you could exist without being connected to me, I would make it happen, but that's probably not feasible."

"Probably not."

Elkay took a deep breath and curled her tail around her legs.

"You know how in Lost everything starts off innocent and simple, then gets really complicated for no apparent reason and you start questioning how much of the story is planned out and how much is just bullshit?"

"Yeah . . ."

"It's because at the beginning, there's all these mysteries, and you want to learn more about the stuff you don't understand. Once everything is out in the open, you question its validity. I mean, when things are left up to the imagination, you might assume the worst, or you might have hope for the future. But a solved mystery becomes a boring thing, because ultimately, every conflict in life is pointless. We ought to just get along, really. I guess what I'm saying is that when we met, you didn't know if I was about to eat you or lead you towards a brighter future. You had faith in me, because I was mysterious, and that gave me power over you. Now that you know what I am, that power is gone. Even an omnipotent god loses their mystique once you get to know them. I can't imagine how disappointing it must be to discover that the deity you put your faith in is really just a mess of a dragon who can't decide what to do with her life. I'm not a complex character, Phantom. I have the illusion of depth because of my many interactions and relationships, but I'm an ocean as shallow as a puddle. This entire existence of mine is leading to nothing, because I have nothing more to discover. Living as long as I have has made me realize how futile our actions are. The world will go on turning when we are gone, and change will only be replaced by more change. Nothing is permanent."

"I am."

"How can I be sure?"

"I'm the longest-running musical. And you knew me long before you knew Ellie. I've stuck around for this long, so who's to say I'm going anywhere?"

"Nothing is permanent."

"But it's like that old paradox: you can't prove something is immortal because it could always be a second away from dying. To say something is permanent is an assumption, nothing more."

"And you're okay with assuming that this is permanent?"

"Yes. Elkay, how many times have you died?"

"A few. Why?"

"When will you die for real?"

"I don't know."

"See? There are things you don't know, things you can never know. There are still mysteries, and so you can look forward to solving them."

Elkay's ears drooped.

"Why are you trying to make me feel better?"

"I guess I feel sorry for you."

Elkay's ears pricked up suddenly, then folded back in a firm position.

"Don't say that. You shouldn't forgive me for what I've done."

Phantom twisted his mouth.

"I don't know if I _forgive_ you, but I _understand_ you. I mean, all this stuff you're saying about life being pointless, about kindness being futile . . . I've been there. There was a time when I thought that no matter what I did, I would always be seen as a monster. I decided not to bother with compassion. But I changed my mind."

"Yeah, I know what you mean. That's when you left your mask behind and-"

"No, not then. I changed my mind when I met you. Having one person accept me was phenomenal, don't get me wrong, but you were willing to stay with me and make sure that I had a future. Now, I'm a dragon and the King of Fiction. I guess that means you succeeded."

Elkay closed her eyes.

"Don't go feeding into this unhealthy relationship."

"I don't _care_ if it's unhealthy. I spent a good portion of my life pursuing a girl who had no interest in me. _That_ was unhealthy. The thing _we_ have going is _crazy_. I mean, how else would you expect things to turn out when a dragon is grandmother to a ghost? I can tolerate this. I can appreciate it."

"For how much longer?"

"Depends on when we get sick of each other. _If_ we get sick of each other. Something tells me we'll keep pissing each other off to the point where we'll _have_ to stay together, because it balances out. Besides, we have more patience than normal people."

"Patience? I'm not patient."

"You're a little patient."

"Not really."

"With me, at least. Look, neither of us is a saint. I've killed dozens of people, and you . . . have probably killed more. We've made mistakes, hurt a lot of innocent civilians, and been dicks to various bystanders. We are the worst of society, and as far as I'm concerned, we have nowhere to go but up. What damage could staying together possibly cause?"

Suddenly, Elkay picked him up and gave him another hug.

"I'm so sorry. You're suffering from Stockholm Syndrome. Here you are being nice to me when I've messed everything up-"

"Actually, this whole argument could have been my fault. I don't really remember."

"It wasn't your fault. I messed up big time. I've been messing up big time ever since the beginning."

"That pretty much sums up the life of everyone in existence."

Elkay hummed.

"I guess so. Maybe I should try to mess up less frequently, though."

"Maybe. Once I'm a little less groggy, do you want to do something fun? I think we both need a break."

Elkay grimaced.

"Actually, I can't. I have a thing . . ."

"Do you really?"

"I swear, I do. I can't tell you about it, though. That would invalidate our breakthrough."

"Why? If you don't tell me, I'll have to assume the worst."

Elkay sighed.

"Promise me you won't get involved."

"I promise."

"I'm going on trial."

Phantom's jaw dropped.

"Trial? What for? Why wasn't I informed?"

"You've been zonked out for a good long time, and I'm going on trial because some people in Fiction think it's time for a new leader."

"But I'm their leader."

"Technically, yes, but they suspect I'm swaying your views. If I lose this trial, a good deal of power will go to Horaneith. He apparently fixed the economy in an afternoon, so everyone's focused on that . . ."

Phantom stood up, stumbling out of bed dizzily.

"We have to stop him."

She pushed him back against the pillow.

"That's not happening. _I_ am going to trial, and _you_ are going to get some rest. Whatever happens, the people of Fiction will make the right choice."

Phantom shook his head.

"I have to represent you."

"Absolutely not. I just spent ten minutes trying to convince you that I care about you for reasons other than those that benefit me, and I won't throw that away for some stupid court case. If you represent me, you'll forever doubt that I care about you unconditionally, and I can't have that."

Phantom gave her a pleading look.

"I believe that you care about me. I only said I didn't because my emotions run wild sometimes. You understand . . ."

"I do, but this is about me, not you. I've done some very bad things, and if I'm to be punished for them, it's only fair. I'm ready to face the consequences of my actions."

She turned. Phantom grabbed her paw before she could leave, and she stopped.

"Don't do this. What if you lose? What if Horaneith replaces you?"

Elkay closed her eyes.

"Can you honestly claim that he's likely to be worse than me? I set the bar pretty low, as far as leadership goes."

He let go of her as she moved away. When she lumbered towards the door, he stared at the wall vacantly.

"Elkay . . . Can I ask you why you are the way you are?"

She turned her head a little.

"I don't know. Honestly, I'm inclined to believe that it was because I was Queen. When you have that much power, you take things for granted. Who knows how I would have turned out if I was a little less important. Maybe the fault simply lies within me. There's no way of knowing for sure."

"I guess not."

She gave him a sad smile, then left. Phantom sat twiddling his thumbs idly, then took a deep breath. He knew what had to be done.


	10. The Trial Of Elkay

The slamming of a wooden gavel silenced the courtroom, which had been buzzing with curious chatter for quite some time. In the center of the room, Horaneith stood nobly behind a podium, his ears flattened and his beak drawn in a vulpine sneer. Elkay was huddled in a chair that was much too small for her, sitting in front of her brother like a schoolchild being reprimanded. She looked back and forth nervously, then raised her hand.

"I don't think this is proper court procedure. I mean, I'm no expert, but shouldn't there be lawyers and defendants and a jury? All _we_ have is a bunch of random characters sitting on beanbag chairs."

"SILENCE!" Horaneith barked, "This world is run by a masked man who drops chandeliers on people. It's not a normal government."

Elkay rolled her eyes.

"And I thought the logic of Legally Blonde was flawed . . ."

Horaneith slammed his gavel repeatedly.

"Shut it, shut it, shut it! The trial of Elkay begins now!"

He tossed the gavel to the side.

"Elkay, you stand accused of being a dick. How do you plead?"

She shrugged.

"Well, I have Asperger's-"

There was a collective moan from the audience.

"Don't play that card!" Baloo from The Jungle Book shouted, cupping his paws around his snout.

"Yeah, stop using that as an excuse!" Matilda from Matilda growled.

"Hodor, Hodor, Hodor!" cried a man who requested to remain anonymous within this story for legal reasons.

Elkay gulped and bent her neck to make herself smaller.

"I know it's not an excuse. It's not even the reason I am the way I am. But look, it's been really hard-"

"POPPYCOCK!" Mr. Toad from The Wind in the Willows croaked, "No matter what you have or how it affects you, that doesn't give you the right to be a fool!"

Elkay nodded.

"I know, I know. I just wanted to point out that I never manage to say the right thing, so it's pretty clear that on some level, I'm a bad person. I won't be able to defend myself properly, because I'm not sure how to explain myself, but that's another story. Whether I intend to be evil is the _real_ question . . ."

Horaneith swung his tail, then let it thump on the ground.

"You _do_ , Elkay! Tell me, how can a person sleep around with countless people, abandon their children in the most atrocious ways, manipulate their peers without a second thought, engage in nonconsensual activities of the sensual type, murder innocent people in cold blood, treat friends and family like playthings, eat the last box of Froot Loops and then put it back in the cupboard so I get my hopes up, only to find it was completely empty- Look, we're getting off track. Call the first witness!"

A lean felidragon burst through the court doors, her fluffy tail swinging back and forth like an agitated caterpillar. She sat down on a stool beside Horaneith and glared at Elkay.

"Tundra, tell the ficties what your mother did when you were born."

She lifted her chin.

"Elkay abandoned me in a dumpster."

Horaneith nodded.

"And did she intend to return?"

"Probably not. Also, she keeps getting my name wrong-"

"NEXT!"

Horaneith nudged Tundra to the side. The court doors opened once again, this time revealing a winged hybrid dinosaur. She strutted up to the podium and cleared her throat.

"I'm not really sure why I was asked to be here, but this seems like Elkay's problem, so she's gonna have to deal with it on her own."

The dinosaur trotted away. As she passed Elkay, the dragon pulled her close and whispered something furiously in her ear. The dinosaur shook her head.

"I'm not the murderer, Elkay. What happened to Ellie wasn't _my_ fault. If you want to know the truth, someone _else_ is to blame. There, I said it. Good luck with your trial."

Elkay glowered at her as she left. Horaneith took a deep breath.

"I'm sure she had much more to say, but let's be frank: we all know what Elkay has done. I'm sure she's slept with half of the people in this room."

With this, Elkay sprung to her feet.

"Lies! I've never banged a fictional character! The only characters I've had intercourse with were ones that had no role in their stories at the time of copulation!"

"But you gave birth to main characters, yes?"

She shrugged.

"Most of them were secondary, but I guess you could say-"

Horaneith raised his head to give a loud shriek.

"CALL THE SURPRISE WITNESS!"

The courtroom doors swung open to reveal the letter Q. It made its way down to the stool, and it sat quietly for a very long time. For no apparent reason, Elkay suddenly spread her wings and roared.

"He's lying! He's lying! He gave his consent, I swear! He's just making things up because he wanted to terminate his pregnancy legally!"

The crowd gasped. The letter Q started shaking, then sped out of the courtroom with terror. Elkay turned to hiss at him as he left.

"You bastard! You said we'd raise our child together!"

The doors slammed shut. Horaneith blinked.

"Okay . . . That was weird. Nevertheless, if it hasn't been made abundantly clear by now, I have one last piece of evidence that proves Elkay is guilty of being a dick. She has ruined the franchise of her grandson, lacing it with gratuitous swearing-"

"Bullshit!"

"-removing all traces of musicality-"

"We had a few songs. Give me a break, I'm not a composer!"

"-and writing the protagonist out of character."

"Antagonist. He was the antagonist. The story is told from Christine's point of view . . ."

Horaneith narrowed his eyes and leaned towards her accusingly.

"Do you deny that you ruined The Phantom of the Opera?"

She smirked.

"How could I? Andrew Lloyd Webber already did."

"STOP USING HIM AS AN EASY TARGET!"

"But he has a frog face . . ."

"ANSWER ME!"

Elkay whimpered.

"Look, it's no big deal, okay? It's not like anyone is reading the story! I can say whatever I want, and there will be no consequences!"

Bush did 9/11.

"Besides, isn't a silly story about a dragon and a ghost infinitely better than the same old self-insert love stories that are so prominent in this fandom?"

"No!"

Elkay blinked.

". . . I was kind of banking on that argument to hold some weight . . ."

Horaneith growled.

"Well, you can hold your _own_ weight . . . IN JAIL!"

Elkay quirked her beak.

"I'm not sure I understand how that sentence is supposed to throw me off, but-"

Suddenly, there was a huge crash. The courtroom doors were flung open emphatically, and Phantom stood tall in their frame with his arm extended.

"OBJECTION!"

Before he could finish, the doors bounced off of the walls and closed on him. He pushed through them again, this time more gently.

"Sorry, I wasn't expecting recoil. Anyway, I'm here to defend my grandmother, not because she asked me to, but because . . . I don't know. Emotions, I guess?"

Horaneith sneered at him.

"Fool. Go on and make your case, but know that Elkay's fate is sealed. It's time to punish her for her crimes."

"What crimes?"

"The various crimes she's committed. Obviously."

Phantom hummed.

"That's interesting, because I was looking through the Fiction laws, and according to an ancient code I didn't know about until now, if a character knows what they did was wrong, they are officially redeemed within the eyes of our collective canon."

Horaneith growled.

"But Elkay doesn't know that what she's doing is immoral!"

"Oh no?" Phantom smirked, "If she really can get away with these wrongdoings, all the while maintaining her reputation, by all accounts, she must be a Mary-Sue."

At the mention of this trope, there was a loud kerfuffle in the audience. The ficties leered and gaped in horror. Carlotta, who was among them, fainted.

"You see, everything points to Elkay being a Mary-Sue," Phantom continued, "She's from a magical race, she has phenomenal powers, she's virtually indestructible . . . and she might very well be a self-insert, though I'm not sure if that's canon."

Elkay started coughing up blood.

"Ack! Oh, god. Don't _do_ that. You're breaking me."

Phantom nodded.

"I can assure you, she would undoubtedly fail a Mary-Sue litmus test, except for one crucial detail . . . her actions are framed in a negative light."

He paused for dramatic effect.

"You see, whenever Elkay porks someone or abandons a friend or EATS ALL OF MY CEREAL FOR SOME REASON THANK YOU VERY MUCH . . . the narration states she is nothing more than a pathetic animal: a character who no one likes. Well, except for a few people who are crazy enough to stick with her to the very end."

He shot her a smile, which she humbly returned.

"My point is that she cannot be a Mary-Sue, because the story knows that her actions ought to be scorned. And who, may I ask, writes the story?"

Horaneith tapped his claws on the podium while his other paw supported his cheek.

"Well?" Phantom pressed.

"Elkay," Horaneith grumbled, "Elkay writes the story."

Phantom gave a curt nod.

"I rest my case."

After a long silence, the crowd began to lean forward in anticipation. Horaneith drummed his claws along the rim of the podium for a good long time, then sighed with exasperation.

"Fine. Get the fuck out of here."

The room erupted into a loud cheer, though no one was really invested in the trial itself. It was very likely that a good number of the participants had been called in at random, and were simply glad that they finally had a chance to pee after sitting for so long. As they filed out of the courtroom, Elkay and Phantom stayed behind. Horaneith was still at the podium, but he was busy packing a suitcase. Elkay slunk over to him shyly, then pecked his shoulder. He looked down at the floor with a bitter scowl, ignoring her, but she wrapped her tail around his and took a deep breath.

"Hey. You're still my brother. You don't have to go."

He exhaled dolefully.

"I find it hard to believe that you can forgive me for doing this to you."

Elkay snorted.

"Jesus, we just went through an entire trial about all the bad things I've done. Compared to what _I'm_ guilty of, this is nothing. You're off the hook."

Horaneith looked at her, then turned to Phantom.

"Is she telling the truth?"

He shrugged.

"How should _I_ know?"

Horaneith snuffed.

"Well, alright. I guess I can stay."

He grunted as Elkay gave him a hug. After a moment, Phantom joined in too . . .

. . . mostly to annoy him, though.


	11. Oh Boy

After Elkay's trial, things changed in Fiction. First, the economy continued to improve under Horaneith's guidance, proving that it had been a wise decision to keep him around. Second, there was a sudden influx of fictional characters from various bits of media that Elkay had previously not included in her godly list. While she hadn't outright segregated the Ficties like before, some stories had fallen under the label of "not worth the trouble of canonizing", but now that she had been called out on her bullshit, she was eager to prove herself by taking up a challenge. Phantom could only hope that this would continue for a suitable period of time.

And so, the Opera Populaire was buzzing with activity, because an increase in population meant buttloads of paperwork, not to mention the socialization required to maintain the illusion that the King cared about every single citizen. Phantom gave the occasional wave when greeted, but did not stop to speak with anyone in particular. There was a limit to how much interest he could show every day, and unfortunately, it wasn't a lot. He made his way to his office, where Elkay was waiting. With an exasperated sigh, he fell back into his reclining chair and spun himself around, groaning all the while.

"Jesus, it's a mess down there. I mean that in a good way, of course, but I'm already so terrible with names that I fear I won't be able to remember everyone."

"Mhm. I'm guessing there's a set limit of people you- or anyone- can remember at any given time, but I'm too lazy to look it up. Let's just assume it's five."

"Fair enough. Is there anyone I should get to know?"

"Probably not . . . Actually, it might be a good idea to acquaint yourself with characters from your sequel."

Phantom winced.

"Shit, that's right. I know we're being inclusive, but I wish we could have made an exception for them, considering they besmirch my reputation with their very existence . . . but on the other hand, I've spoken to a few, and they seem nice."

"Oh? Who did you meet?"

"Fluffy Leg, White Dr. Facilier, and Tattoo Uncle Fester."

"Fleck, Gangle, and Squelch?"

"Sure."

"Yeah, if there's one good thing that came out of that show, it's them. Speaking of which, I should probably warn you about-"

The door swung open, and Horaneith burst into the room.

"Elkay, we have a problem. Claire has cut off ties with Fiction headquarters."

Elkay's eyes went wide, and her ear twitched.

"Shit. This isn't good. I always suspected she'd reach a boiling point. We'd better fix this."

She followed her brother out the door, but poked her head back into the room after a beat.

"Phantom, you're okay here, right?"

"Mhm. Thanks for asking."

"Cool. See you later, assuming I don't get pummeled to death by a hybrid dinosaur."

"See you."

When she zipped out the door again, Phantom leafed through his papers, looking for something to get done. His current workload consisted of boring tasks, none of which he was in the mood to deal with, at the moment. With a sigh of defeat, he picked up a newspaper and skimmed a few articles. Nothing interesting was happening in the land of Fiction, which was a good thing. In a world like this, "interesting" was most often synonymous with "this week's narrowly-averted apocalypse".

As he lowered the newspaper to reach for his coffee, Phantom gave a surprised shout. A young boy was standing in front of his desk, looking up at him innocently. The child stepped back as he flung the newspaper to the side, gnashing his teeth.

"Christ, don't _do_ that! You're supposed to knock before entering a room, you know."

"The door was open."

"That doesn't mean you're free to wander willy-nilly."

The boy scuffed his shoe timidly.

"I'm sorry, sir, but I really wanted to meet you."

Phantom hummed.

"You're a fan of mine?"

"No."

"Then you came to meet me because I'm important here, yes?"

"You're very important to me . . ."

Phantom nodded.

"Alright, I appreciate your involvement with the affairs of Fiction, but if you're new here, there are two things you need to know. One: don't bother me. Two: seriously, don't bother me."

The boy pouted.

"Okay . . . I'm sorry for taking up your time. I'm glad I got to see you at least once, anyway."

Phantom smiled and pushed him out the door not-so-subtly.

"Okay, buckaroo. Have fun."

The child stumbled into the hall, then looked back at Phantom with big eyes.

"Will I ever see you again?"

"I'm here and there, now and then, day and night, in and out, on and off. Pretty busy, though, so it's not likely."

"Oh . . . Okay . . ."

Phantom tightened his mouth awkwardly as the boy looked down at the carpet with a quivering lip. He waved his hand dismissively, giving a false smile.

"Okay, run along, now. Go play with your friends or whatever."

"I don't know anyone here."

"So go home."

"I don't have a house yet."

Phantom rolled his eyes.

"Look, kid, it's none of my business where you go, as long as you don't get hurt. Go find your parents and be on your way."

"Actually-"

Phantom slammed the door shut before he could finish. He exhaled deeply as he sat at his desk, then rubbed his forehead.

"Man, I hate kids. I can't believe Elizabeth wanted to _have_ one of those . . ."

His phone buzzed. It was a text from Elkay. Instead of reading it, he called her. The answer was immediate.

"I told you not to call me! I only text!"

Phantom smiled.

"I know. That's why I called you. What's up?"

"There's a kid who's dying to meet you. I wanted to tell him 'no', but under the circumstances, I-"

"Oh, don't worry about _that_. I sent him off."

"You _what_?!"

"I told him to get lost. Not in those words _exactly_ , but-"

"Shit! Shit, shit, shit. Look, it's my fault for not telling you, but you really ought to catch up with him."

"Why's that?"

"You know how we have all these new canons coming in, some of which are questionable in nature, and-"

"Get to the point."

"He's your son."

After a pause, Phantom dropped his phone. Then, he stood up, knocking over his chair, and bolted out the door.


	12. Gustave Wind

In the cafeteria, Phantom sat patiently beside the boy, who was holding an extra-large ice cream cone with three scoops of overcompensation. He waited for a pause in the kid's incessant licking, tapping his feet impatiently, hands folded between his knees, fake smile tearing his face apart. He gulped, then looked around at the other fictional characters in the room before speaking quietly.

"How's the ice cream?"

"Good."

"Great, great . . . That's great . . . Listen, you won't tell anyone about the things I said to you, right?"

"Probably not."

"Awesome. Super. It's just that I can't have them thinking I'm a negligent parent, for many different reasons."

"Okay."

"It's not just political stuff, you know," Phantom continued, "If Elizabeth were to find out that I gave you the boot, she'd be pretty angry. She wants me to have a kid, so it's kind of a conflict of interest."

The boy did not reply. He continued to lick his ice cream obliviously.

"I mean, I was hoping that she'd forget about the whole issue after that incident with Horaneith, but it's looking kinda bad . . ."

He took a deep breath.

"I just don't know if I'm ready to do 'it', even after thousands of years. I guess if _you_ exist, I must have got laid at some point- Um, forget I said that."

"Said what?"

"Nevermind."

Phantom twiddled his fingers before once again speaking out of nowhere.

"I guess now that you're here, things are going to get complicated."

"I don't think so."

"Okay . . . Who are you staying with? Is your mother around?"

"No."

"Any close family members?"

"Just you."

Phantom nodded, biting his lip.

"See, the trouble is, Elizabeth wants a child of her own, and I don't know how she'd feel about having you around."

"Mhm."

"On the other hand, I know how hard it is to know that your parents are only a carriage ride away, but you can never see them because they don't want you. I would never wish that on anyone, but I'm just not sure that I'm cut out for this job."

The boy blinked.

"Why not?"

Phantom laughed awkwardly.

"Well, have you met my grandmother? Good parenting isn't exactly in my blood . . ."

The boy bit his lip.

"You don't want me?"

Phantom made a high-pitched squeaking sound.

"Well, it's not that I don't _want_ you, but this is all so sudden, and I'm sure you'd be happier with another family: one that can really care for you."

The child began to sniffle. Phantom's eyes went wide.

"Oh, no. Don't do that. Just stay calm . . ."

"Why don't you love me?!" he wailed.

Phantom looked around the cafeteria, praying that this little outburst wouldn't turn heads.

"Shh. Shh. I care about you. I care about you deeply, Pierre."

"Gustave."

"Whatever. The point is, I'm removing you from my life _because_ I care about you. It's kind of hard to understand. You'll see when you're older."

Gustave wrapped his arms around his knees and hid his face. Ice cream dripped down his right hand.

"I shouldn'a come here! I wanna go home!"

"Where _is_ your home?"

Gustave sniffled.

"I . . . I dunno . . . I WANNA DIE!"

Phantom cringed as he started bawling, then searched for a way to calm him. Finding nothing helpful, he clamped his hand over his mouth and forced a smile.

"Hey, I just had a brilliant idea! Why don't we go somewhere else?"

Gustave's eyes sparkled.

"Like a family vacation?"

Phantom's eye twitched.

"Actually- GAH!"

He fell backwards as Elkay appeared out of nowhere. She spread her wings and beamed.

"FAMILY VACAY! SOUNDS GOOD TO ME!"

And with that, she tossed them onto her back and flew out the open window.

***TPOTOIAD***

Around noon, they arrived at Versailles. Like its Overworld counterpart, it was a regal castle, but instead of being adorned with ancient statues, pretty much every work of art was Elkay-themed (not surprising, as she was the only one who used the place). Phantom and Gustave rode in on the dragon's back, tilting to and fro as a warm wind guided them. They hopped off Elkay once they were close enough to the ground. Gustave's hair looked like it had been caught in a blender, but his limitless energy suggested that he had never been happier.

"Wow! I can't believe I got to ride a real dragon!" he marveled.

Phantom ran over to the bushes, where he threw up twice.

"Is he alright?" Gustave asked.

"He's just being dramatic," Elkay said, "And thank you for setting up that line. I've always wanted to quote it."

Phantom staggered down the path.

"Jesus, remind me to fly with my own wings, next time."

"Will do," Elkay said breezily, "Do you need me to give Gustave a ride home, or can you do it yourself?"

Phantom blinked.

"I thought you were staying."

"No, this seems like something you should resolve on your own. I fear my advice would do more harm than good. That being said, I can hang out nearby in case things go sour."

"Thanks, but I think I can handle it."

Elkay quirked a brow.

"I'll stay within earshot."

She slithered into the bushes. Phantom rolled his eyes.

"Alright, Gustave, why don't we-"

"You can call me Gus."

"Okay, Gus, why don't we-"

"Can I call you Dad?"

Phantom tensed up.

"Uh . . ."

"I mean, it's true, isn't it? You're my father. If you'd like, I can call you Daddy or Pa or Da . . ."

"Call him Papa!" Elkay shouted from the bushes, "It's closer to the source material!"

Phantom wheeled around and threw a rock at her.

"No one asked for your opinion, you lousy dragon!"

"Piss off!"

"Gladly!"

Phantom shepherded his son away from the bush-lurker.

"Listen, Gustave, I know I'm your biological father, but I can't help but feel you'd be better off with someone else."

"Like who?"

"Oh, I don't know. Maybe some single parent or a nice gay couple . . ."

"What about Raoul? He seems nice."

Phantom blinked.

"Are you _sure_ we're related?"

Gustave laughed.

"You don't fool me for a second. I know you care about him and everyone else. You just don't show it like regular people."

Phantom nodded.

"I suppose you're right, but regardless, I'm still fairly certain that you deserve a better father."

Without warning, Gustave leapt forward and gave him a hug.

"I don't want anyone else. You'll do just fine."

Phantom winced and pried him away.

"I'm sorry, Gustave, but you shouldn't get your hopes up."

"Why not? I don't think you'll do a poor job. As long as I want to be your son and you want to be my father, I'm sure nothing will come between us."

Phantom stared at him for longer than he should have. This gave the boy enough time to think. Gradually, his smile disappeared.

"You don't want me . . ."

Phantom shook his head.

"It's not like that. Not exactly."

"Then what's wrong?"

"I don't know."

"Why don't you want to be my father?"

"I don't know, okay?!"

"I want to know why!"

"AND I WANT TO KNOW WHY YOU THINK YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO ASK ME TO BE YOUR FATHER! YOU'RE LUCKY I'M WATCHING OUT FOR YOU! MY FATHER DID DICK SQUAT FOR ME!"

Gustave's lip began to quiver. Phantom cleared his throat and looked away.

"I didn't mean to yell. Don't take it personally, okay? It had nothing to do with-"

The boy bolted away suddenly, face buried in his sleeve. Phantom sighed and pursued him, catching up halfway down a long road. He grabbed him by the arm, holding him in place as he thrashed around violently.

"Don't be upset."

"You can't tell a person not to be upset!" Gustave screamed.

"Well, too bad. That's exactly what I'm doing. I know it's hard knowing your biological father won't ever raise you, but once you have a family- a real one- you'll forget all that. It doesn't matter where you came from. If you have a chance to live happily, take it."

"Why don't you love me?"

"It's not that I don't love you-"

"If you loved me, you'd say it."

"Okay. I love you. Happy?"

"No."

Phantom sighed and kneeled in front of him.

"You know, I used to be a lot like you. When things didn't go my way, I tried to force happiness. No matter how many girls I kidnapped- just one, by the way- or how many chandeliers I dropped on people's heads- also just one- it didn't change anything. I needed to stop taking what I wanted, and focus on earning what I needed. Turns out, I needed a big, yellow dragon to take care of me. And yeah, she's not perfect, but she cares."

"But she's your grandmother, and you're my father."

"So?"

"So, why can't I just stay with you two?"

Phantom's mind raced as he struggled to come up with an explanation that was both truthful and simple enough for a child to understand, but he would never know if there was one, for his thoughts were interrupted by a deep rumble. He stood up and turned towards the sound, which was getting louder.

"Elkay? . . ."

She popped out of a bush.

"Don't look at me! I have no idea what's going on."

As the rumble became a roar, Phantom could distinguish the crisp rattle of jet engines. Sure enough, five planes shot across the sky, headed straight for Paris. Elkay's eyes went wide.

"Shit! I recognize those markings!"

Phantom shielded his eyes from the sun to see what she meant. The planes were covered in blue swirls.

"I'm not familiar with those patterns. They ours?"

"Of course not."

"Well, who else would they belong to?"

"Someone outside of Fiction."

Phantom's arm dropped.

"Outside? . . ."

He watched the aircrafts shrink to pinpoints.

"We should head back and see what they want."

Elkay shook her head slowly.

"No, Phantom, these people are not here to reason with us. We don't want to be in Paris when they arrive."

He looked from her to the horizon, then back again.

"Wait, what? Are you saying this is an attack?"

"Yes."

He sprinted forward, then shuffled a little before he realized that he had nowhere to go.

" _Well?_ Aren't we going to _defend_ ourselves?"

"No."

"Why the hell not?"

"This is a fight we cannot win."

Phantom sputtered.

"Who the hell is strong enough to overpower a dragon?!"

Elkay gave him a serious look.

"Andrew Lloyd Webber."


	13. Unlucky

Phantom writhed around in Elkay's claws as she carried him away from Paris. Gustave sat still in her other paw, staring in horror at the now flaming city. Elkay continued to beat her wings, ears pointed backwards to reduce wind friction. The solemn expression on her face was full of determination, so much so that if Phantom hadn't known better, he'd believe she had a plan to end this mess, but really, she was just running away . . . _flying_ away, technically. He bit her hand to get her attention, and she gave an annoyed tongue-click. He waved sarcastically.

"Excuse me, but shouldn't you be headed the other way?" he sassed, pointing to the near-apocalyptic destruction.

" _Towards_ the danger?"

"Yes. To help our people."

"There's nothing we can do. I'm sorry, but this is the end of our world. We have to destroy it and build another."

"WHAT?!"

"Not right away. I mean, we'll need to deal with the emotional repercussions first, but-"

"Unbelievable. You're such a coward."

"No, I just know when I'm licked. I don't like this any more than you do."

"So you're just giving up?"

"Yes."

"Why?!"

"Because Andrew Lloyd Webber is very dangerous. I'm afraid of him."

". . . _WHY_?!"

"Remember how my father posed as Colin Trevorrow once?"

"No."

"And remember how he stole Andrew Lloyd Webber's identity before that?"

"Also no."

"Well, he did, and the real Andrew Lloyd Webber got super pissed."

"How do you know?"

"He's been sending me hate mail on and off for a few months now. I never thought he'd make it to Fiction, though."

"But why is he so concerned with _you_? How did he _get_ here? Why does he have an _army_? Where did he find those _jets_?"

"He's Andrew Lloyd Webber. He has his ways."

Phantom rolled his eyes.

"Alright, but you're a _dragon_. Just breathe fire on his face or something."

"Can't."

"Why not?"

"I can't kill Andrew Lloyd Webber because . . . Well, he's _Andrew Lloyd Webber_! I shouldn't have gotten involved in his franchise, but I did, and now I have to suffer for it."

"By giving up our friends and the entirety of Fiction?"

"No, just the headquarters. I'm sure _someone_ will survive. We can make it out with thirty to forty percent of our population, I imagine. That's good enough."

Phantom glared at her.

"Elkay, I don't think you're being honest. I'm almost positive you could defeat Andrew Lloyd Webber in combat, considering you've fought giant boars and dinosaurs and god knows what else."

Elkay whimpered.

"But I can't kill an Overworldian. As much as I'm unhappy with his decision to annex Fiction, I respect his abilities as a composer."

"Why does that matter?"

"I don't know any other composers personally."

Phantom was having a hard time keeping himself from punching her.

"Well, fly away if you want to, but I'm not abandoning my kingdom."

She snorted.

"Too bad. I'm your grandmother, and you have to listen to me."

"I don't care."

"I'm a dragon."

"So am I!"

He changed shape and nipped her arm. She yelped and dropped him, and he made a break for it.

"Phantom, wait!"

She pursued him for a little while, but as more jets zoomed by, she shrunk away and camouflaged herself by changing color. This gave Phantom an opportunity to put some distance between them, as Elkay seemed to be flying slower than usual. She was still holding Gustave, though this probably had nothing to do with it. Phantom couldn't imagine that she cared much about his son, and he'd seen his grandmother carry objects three times her size.

And then, something terrible happened. A plane dove out of nowhere and shot at Phantom, leaving bullet marks on his wing (none penetrated the membrane fully, but it still hurt like hell. He gasped and flew lower, zipping across a field just outside the city's borders.

There was a flash, heat, and a terrible noise. As a dragon, Phantom's field of vision was significantly enhanced, but whatever had come to pass was just outside where his perception was clear. He did not turn to examine the blur behind him, because he was almost positive that Elkay had shot down the plane with a fireball or electricity. She was distracted, in any case.

Phantom landed in the city and changed back to his regular form, which he decided was better for hiding and sneaking about, since he wasn't sure how to camouflage or make himself invisible. He'd rather be a small target, anyway.

He had not taken three steps when he heard a harsh whisper.

"Pssssssssst!"

He perked up.

"Who's psssting?"

Someone waved at him from the storm gutter. His eyes went wide.

"Raoul?"

"Shhh! They'll hear you!"

He crept towards the sewers.

"What's going on?"

"The soldiers rounded up Ficties by the score. No one knows where they're taking them. The other characters and I fled to the catacombs, where it smells of poop-water. They got Carlotta, though."

"You know, I really thought we'd be seeing more of her, since she's a part of this franchise . . ."

"According to the General, their leader has a bomb planted under the city, and he's going to detonate it unless Elkay agrees to his terms."

"A BOMB?" Elkay squawked as she appeared above them and landed beside Phantom, tossing Gustave to the side carelessly, "How did he get THAT?"

Phantom frowned.

"You weren't surprised by the jets . . ."

"Yes, well, anyone can buy a jet. Atomic bombs are significantly harder to find."

"He never said it was atomic."

Raoul lifted a finger.

"She's right, though. It's definitely atomic. Codename: Grasshopper."

Elkay blinked.

"Not sure if that indicates the make and model, or if it's just a nickname, but-"

"HOW DID YOU KNOW IT WAS AN ATOMIC BOMB?" Phantom snapped.

"What kind of bomb were _you_ thinking of? Cherry?"

"Fuck off."

" _You_ fuck off! And don't use that language around your kid!"

"He's not my kid!"

When Gustave's lip began to quiver, Phantom sighed.

"Okay, that came out wrong, but there's a bomb under the city, so I think that takes precedence over-"

"Family?" Elkay finished, "Family comes first, you know."

"Says the woman with billions of estranged relatives. Plus, if the bomb goes off, I won't have a family at all."

"And you care about stakes why?"

"What?"

"Well, we've been through much crazier situations than this . . ."

"Yeah, but now there's a plot. You understand. You write things."

"Kinda, but I always saw this particular story as episodic, kind of like Italian Neorealism where the main plot is just the framework for-"

"Did you just compare yourself to Italian Neorealism?"

"Yes. Shut up. If you're so keen to have a regular story, we'll do that next time, only there won't BE a next time since we're gonna be killed by Andrew Lloyd Webber!"

"Not if you kill him first."

"I can't kill Andrew Lloyd Webber."

"Who's more important: me or him?"

"Well, I'm seriously considering biting your head off, if that's what you mean."

"What's the big deal? He's just a guy."

"A guy that people know."

"So?"

"So, people like him."

"SO?"

". . . more than me."

Phantom slapped his forehead.

"Jesus . . ."

Elkay spread her wings defensively.

"Look, it's not MY fault people adore his work! He's a massively talented man, and I don't know how you can say I have any right to kill him!"

Their shouting had attracted the attention of the army. A group of thirty men advanced towards them with rifles in their hands. Phantom changed into a dragon and Elkay crouched down in a threatening pose, but a hovercraft wove between two buildings behind them and dropped a net over Gustave, who was carried away, screaming and crying. They made a dash for him, but were shot at within a fraction of a second. The army stood no chance against two dragons, of course, but by the time the goons were taken care of, Gustave was long gone.


	14. A Proper Story

When Andrew Lloyd Webber's goons were dealt with, Elkay and Phantom sat among their bodies, silent and not in the greatest of moods. The sky was grayish white with clouds, and though the world around them was bright, it certainly didn't feel that way. They were both thinking the same thing, and each sensed the other's understanding. They felt no need to talk about it. What use would it be to confirm that they were screwed out loud? Acknowledging it wouldn't make a difference.

Eventually, Phantom grew tired of sitting and doing nothing, so he turned to Elkay with a dismal expression.

"We could at least go out with a bang."

"Gross."

He slapped his forehead.

"Jesus Christ, I mean die fighting. What's the worst that could happen? Our city is under siege. Do you want to be remembered as martyrs or a couple of dragons who did nothing to stop the destruction of their home?"

"Won't matter if we fight. Hopeless."

"Yeah, but if it's hopeless either way, why not try?"

"He'll hurt Gustave."

Phantom gulped.

"I . . . I think he'll hurt him no matter what."

Elkay shook her head.

"If we engage, Andrew Lloyd Webber will fight back using every slimy trick in the book. We may be _as good as dead_ , but that's not quite the same thing as dead, still. Do you want to see that evil man torture your son in front of you? Wouldn't you rather stay here and not agitate the issue further?"

"We could try to rescue Gustave."

"Implying we have a chance of success?"

"You're a dragon. He's a human. I know you don't _want_ to kill him, but that doesn't mean we _can't_ kill him."

"But he has jets and armies and probably magic- Oh, this story is utter nonsense! It's not even the _good_ kind of nonsense. Our greatest enemy showed up out of nowhere, and he's going to destroy us all without any resistance. Of all the threats I've faced in my lifetime, this one stupid attack is going to be the end of me. I feel like Napoleon if instead of Waterloo, he was defeated in a fistfight."

"That's not a very good analogy."

"I know. None of this is good. I told myself I'd give you a proper story, but I failed. I thought that once my time in the Jurassic World came to an end, I could give you structure, metaphors, a plot . . . Instead we just reverted back to this episodic nonsense, without an overarching narrative or purpose to our suffering. I should have made you a _real_ protagonist. I should have given you _real_ villains and _real_ arcs. We could have done a _real_ musical. We could have used all our friends and characters from the original show. It could have been _real_."

Phantom snorted.

"Elkay, structure is the _least_ real thing I can think of. Reality is hanging out with people in moments that don't further the plot of your life. Reality is being defeated by stupid incidents that seem to come out of nowhere. Reality is going through all this messy stuff with no promise of a straight up conclusion. What's happened to us is the realest story I can think of, and there's fucking dragons involved!"

"Hey, what ever happened to Horaneith?"

"I'm sure he's around. Haven't you kept in contact with him?"

"I don't usually interact with people outside of writing."

Elkay gave a dismal sigh, then scratched her ear.

"You know, Phantom, if through some miracle we make it out of this alive, I'll give you a proper story."

"I'd rather just go on living."

"Yeah, I know, but it could be fun. We can go back to the basics. I might even avoid being in it."

"It's no story without you."

Elkay laughed.

"You're too kind, Phanny-Boy, but I don't think I'm all that crucial in this narrative. People don't wanna read about dragons in their Phantom of the Opera story."

"How can you tell?"

"Well, no one's reading us, for one thing. We may as well be a tree falling in the woods."

"That's okay. I enjoy my time with you, even if no one's there to see it."

Elkay smiled and wrapped her wing around him.

"That's good to hear. Why don't we get a move on? If nobody's paying attention, we can make the climax batshit insane."

Phantom's eyes went wide.

"You mean we're fighting back?"

"Of course. What else is there to do?"

"Nothing, I guess."

She smiled.

"Then let's fucking go!"


	15. A Shocking Conclusion

Elkay and Phantom peered around the corner of a building to get a better view of the opera's front entranceway. Heavily armed guards lined the front staircase, faces stern and figures still as the statues that crowned the roof above them. Elkay withdrew her head as a guard's eyes flicked to the side, crumpling up her ridiculously long neck as she did, and tapped her claws in agitation.

"We can't let them know we're here."

"Why not?"

"Shut up. We just can't, that's all. I say we approach the square from Rue Scribe and sneak into the building through one of the less heavily guarded entrances."

"Rue Scribe? I thought we were on Rue Scribe already."

"No, dipshit. This isn't Rue Scribe."

"The fuck is it, then?"

"I dunno. Cappuccino Boulevard or something. Doesn't matter. Point is, we should sneak in where there's fewer guards so that no one has the chance to phone Andrew Lloyd Webber before we kill them."

"Do you think he's in there?"

"Duh. There's guards everywhere, plus it makes sense in the context of the narrative."

"I thought we had no narrative."

"We have an _inconsistent_ narrative. That's different. But I _know_ he's in there. I can _feel_ it."

Phantom nodded sardonically.

"Good, good. So we're operating on feelings now. Nice. That's sure to work out well for us."

She flicked her tongue impatiently.

"Look, do you wanna do this or not?"

"Alright, alright. I'll play along. What's the plan once we get inside?"

"Head for the roof."

"Why?"

"That's where Andrew Lloyd Webber is."

"And you know this because? . . ."

"Because it makes sense to have a roof fight as the climax."

"Why don't you just use your camouflage and fly directly-"

She pressed her claw against his beak suddenly.

"Shhh. We have to sneak past the guards."

" . . . Fine"

"So how do you wanna do it?"

Phantom rubbed his chin.

"What if we disguise ourselves with magic?"

"Sure. I have enough juice for that. What did you have in mind?"

"I dunno. I was thinking either plumbers or hookers, maybe both. Do you have any experience acting?"

She snorted and waved her paw.

"Phantom, I've been in over fifty pornos. _Of course_ I have no experience acting."

"Alright. Fair enough. I say we go with 'exterminators'. I'll do the talking, and you can be the guy who holds the machinery and says nothing."

"Silent role. Got it."

She lifted her head emphatically, and soon, they were concealed by a veil of magic that gave them the appearance of humble exterminators. They rounded the corner with confidence. Phantom waved at the guards and gave his best salesperson smile.

"Hello, gents. It would appear-"

"HE'S THE PHANTOM! GET HIM!"

In the hail of gunfire that followed, Elkay and Phantom changed back into dragons and snapped at the guards rapidly, finishing them off in a matter of seconds. Elkay wiped the blood off her face with wide eyes.

"That failed immediately."

"Yeah . . . Fly to the roof?"

"Fly to the roof."

They flew to the roof, trying to look somewhat suave after the embarrassing encounter, and succeeding only because of their commitment. Their war-faces melted away, however, when they saw Andrew Lloyd Webber glaring up at them from the center of the roof with Gustave in his arms.

"Have you just been standing there this whole time? . . ." Elkay asked.

Phantom gulped and flew closer to his son, beating his wings slowly so as not to alarm his captor. Andrew Lloyd Webber stepped back, tightening his grip around the boy. Phantom hovered in place.

"Please, let my son go. He didn't do anything wrong."

Gustave opened his mouth to scream "father", but Andrew Lloyd Webber shook him in warning.

"Not another step, or he dies."

"We're flying," Elkay pointed out.

"Silence! You know what I mean."

Elkay cocked her head.

"Also, are you the real Andrew Lloyd Webber? I feel like that's illegal in FanFiction. I mean, I usually discover that famous people are secretly my relatives or ex-lovers, so if you're actually a magic frog or something, now is the time to reveal it."

"QUIET! I'M NOT A FROG!"

Phantom landed on the roof, and when Elkay tried to march past him, he held her back. She gave him a questioning look.

"Don't take this the wrong way, but for once in your life, keep quiet. I'm asking as your friend and grandson."

Elkay was about to argue, but she saw the desperation in his eyes and thought better of it. She sighed and folded her ears backwards.

"He's crazy, Phanny, you know that. This won't end well, even if you somehow manage to reason with him."

"I have to try. Also, he can probably hear you."

"I can."

"Exactly. Let me deal with this, okay?"

She nodded slowly and started backing up.

"Alright. I'll stay here in case things turn sour. Do you need a moment alone?"

"This roof is only so big, and I don't want you hovering . . ."

Andrew Lloyd Webber rolled his eyes.

"Can we hurry it up? I have a boy to execute."

Phantom changed into a human.

"Please, don't kill him. He's done nothing wrong. Everything that happened to you was because of me and Elkay, but mostly Elkay."

"Hey!"

"Shush. Listen, Andrew Lloyd Webber, you seem like a nice guy. I mean, you've been married three times, but so was George Lucas, and he's a well-rounded . . . fellow . . ."

He gulped and wrung his hands.

"Okay, look. I'm not good at speeches. When things get out of control, I panic and make the worst possible move. I'm used to having things go my way, but over the years, I've learned that my temper tantrums don't fix anything. The mature response is accepting my shortcomings and suffering the consequences of my actions. I'm ready to compromise. I promise to make up for what Elkay has done to your franchise. All I ask is that you spare my son's life."

Andrew Lloyd Webber rubbed his chin.

"So you care about the boy?"

"Yes."

"You love him?"

"Yes. With all of my heart."

"You'd be emotionally destroyed if he were to die?"

"More than you know."

"Good."

Andrew Lloyd Webber lifted Gustave over his head with an impressive amount of strength for a sixty-something-year-old composer and flung him off the roof. The child's scream was soon cut off by a sickening crunch. Elkay skittered over to the edge of the roof and peeked down at the street nervously.

"Oh . . . Splat. Yeah, Phanny, don't look. It's really gross."

Phantom, meanwhile, hadn't moved. He stared at the place he'd last seen Gustave, jaw hanging and eyes brimming with tears. He'd met his son's gaze as he disappeared over the edge, and the fear in his visage was eating away at his heart more so than the actual death. Gustave deserved far better than this. He should have been one of those men who lived a full, rich life, and died peacefully in his sleep. His life should have been worth more than some beat-up down-on-his-luck pawn who couldn't catch a break. But that was all he became.

Phantom realized too late what he truly wanted for his son. More than anything, he would have loved to give him the chance to be something more than his father, to end this cycle of crap parents and crap grandparents and a generally crappy upbringing. And now, this little ball of potential was nothing more than a splatter on the pavement, and the dream of a better future would die with him.

But there was still a chance for Fiction.

Phantom turned to Andrew Lloyd Webber with tired eyes.

"Please . . . Let my people go."

"I will not."

"Take me instead."

Elkay wheeled around.

"Phantom, no!"

"If he agrees, I'll be saving us all. He'll leave this place and never harm us again."

"And you're just gonna take his word for it?!"

"If he gives it to me, then yes."

She tugged on her ears with disbelief.

"But _why_?!"

Phantom tried to smile, but found he couldn't.

"Because it's the right thing to do. When someone wrongs you, you can't take revenge by harming them in return. Sure, it feels good at the time, but it leaves you empty. Do you want to know why?"

"Why? . . ."

"Everyone who's ever wronged you did it because someone wronged them first."

"I don't think that everyone-"

"Shush. I'm making a point. See, I thought I had to be an Opera Ghost because the world was cruel to me, but that didn't give me the right to treat other people like shit. As long as the cycle continues, we will keep mistreating each other and making monsters of our victims, who will do the same for others. But we can choose not to become the monsters we suffered at the hands of. Even if the people who wronged us never learn a lesson, it won't help to act just like them. I'm in no position to say who is and isn't corrigible, but it's not up to me anyway. The only person I can change is myself, and from now on, I choose to be a good person. I will treat others like I should have been treated all those years ago, and maybe someday, we'll all learn to love each other for who we are."

Andrew Lloyd Webber sneered.

"That is the biggest load of shit I've ever heard."

Phantom gulped.

"Oh. I thought it might be, but I was getting really emotional near the end . . ."

Andrew Lloyd Webber held up his hand.

"Do you mean to tell me that you'd be willing to give your life to save your people?"

"Of course."

"And if I promise to withhold from detonating the Grasshopper Bomb within this vicinity, you will allow yourself to be killed without protest?"

"Absolutely."

Andrew Lloyd Webber raised is eyebrows casually.

"Well, then. I guess you're going to die. It almost works out, in a way, because I forgot the deactivation password, so if you turn into a dragon and carry the bomb up into the sky, you can be a hero by exploding into itty-bitty pieces."

Phantom turned to look at the horizon over his shoulder. The sun was setting, but it was hard to tell through the clouds.

"How much longer do I have?"

"The bomb goes off in just over one minute."

"Shit! Well, I guess I'd better hurry, then."

He changed into a dragon and made his way over to Elkay. When he hugged her, she started to cry.

"Let me go instead . . ." she whispered.

"No. It has to be me. Before I go, let me say this one last thing: fuck you, but more than that, thank you. I think that about sums it up."

She smiled, but when his claws slipped away from hers, she grimaced and turned around. Andrew Lloyd Webber crossed the roof and came back with a box that was covered in all sorts of wires, which had been hidden behind a statue, apparently. Phantom picked it up and began to beat his wings. Elkay peeked at him briefly, and when she did, he gave a wink.

"Hey. Don't worry about me. Your grandson is going to die a martyr."

She didn't know how to reply, so she nodded gently and tried to hold back her tears in vain. Phantom rose into the sky, carrying the bomb with him. He did not stop flying upwards, even when he was probably at a safe distance from the city. The blast of light that followed did not produce an immediate noise, but the sudden appearance of the cloud made Elkay flinch. She stared at the billowing plumes of fire and smoke, whimpering audibly at the sight of the destructive spectacle. Andrew Lloyd Webber folded his hands.

"Well, now that that's over with, I'll be continuing my hostile takeover . . ."

Elkay snapped to attention and snarled, furrowing her snout.

"You son of a bitch!"

"It's not _my_ fault he was stupid enough to fall for it."

Elkay's nostrils began to expel fine threads of smoke.

"He wasn't stupid! He did the honorable thing, and you had the gall to disrespect his sacrifice with your trickery!"

"It wasn't a trick. I just lied to him. And he didn't even make me promise."

"A promise wouldn't have changed your mind! What good are words when you ignore the emotion behind them?"

"Fair point, but the fact remains that I'm in charge now, so you'd be wise to submit your kingdom immediately."

"Not without a fight."

"I'm no fool. I know you have no intention of killing me."

Elkay lowered her front half, baring her teeth and hissing in warning. Above her, the clouds began to blacken until they crackled with electricity. Andrew Lloyd Webber gulped, then spun around and ran towards the roof's exit. Elkay darted in front of him, maw humming as energy formed inside of it.

"You're not going anywhere . . ."

Andrew Lloyd Webber raised his hands and backed away slowly.

"Let's not be too hasty. Remember, if it weren't for me, your grandson wouldn't even exist!"

"And now he doesn't. Funny how that is."

He laughed nervously.

"Well, you know what they say: it's better to have loved and lost than- AH!"

Elkay snapped at him angrily, letting a pair of fangs slip from her beak, but Andrew Lloyd Webber jumped on her head and climbed her body until he was on the upper half of the roof, doing so faster than he should have been able to at his age. Elkay screeched and snaked towards him, and as she snapped her jaws, he was forced onto the statue of Apollo.

"Don't kill me! I'm a composer!"

"You're a murderer!"

" _He_ made the choice, not me!"

The sky crackled. Each flash of lightning highlighted Elkay's sneer. She growled.

"You're not fit to live . . ."

She pulled her head back, but suddenly, something fell from the sky. The light from the object caught her attention, giving Andrew Lloyd Webber the opportunity to scoot higher up the statue. When Elkay realized that the glowing object was actually a person, her eyes went wide. As the winged figure drew near, her beak parted into a wide smile.

"PHANTOM!"

He flew into her chest, knocking her to the ground. She laughed and gave him a hug, then rolled back onto her feet and hopped up and down while uttering indistinct squeals of joy.

"You're alive! You're alive! You're alive! And you have _wings_ , just like Ellie . . . and that bitch Claire."

Phantom rolled his eyes.

"You're a piece of shit, you know that?"

"I try. How did you come back?"

He frowned with confusion.

"I don't know one hundred percent, but what happened to me when I died felt really mystical and solemn, so I'm not sure if I'm allowed to give you the details-"

"Oh, it's fine. Claire went through the same thing, and she didn't get in trouble for telling people."

"Right, well, that might have to wait."

"Why?"

"We have to deal with Andrew Lloyd Webber."

They turned to the composer, who was glaring at them from Apollo's Lyre.

"You'll never take me alive! I'd sooner die than serve a false canon!"

Elkay twisted her beak and frowned.

"Didn't you rewrite Love Never Dies several times until it was almost a completely different product?"

"SHUT UP! I'LL KILL YOU, YOU WH-"

Suddenly, there was a bright flash and a deafening crash, and Elkay and Phantom were both knocked backwards. When the spots faded from their vision, they saw an Andrew Lloyd Webber-shaped skeleton clinging to the statue. Elkay blinked as it fell apart.

"Oh. I guess he got struck by lightning. The statue must have served as a conductor."

She placed her paw by her cheek and whispered to no one in particular.

"That's a real thing, by the way. The statue of Apollo serves as a lightning rod for the opera. If this was a competent story, we would have set it up ahead of time, but since it's a true fact, we can pretend like it should have been common knowledge in the first place."

Phantom stood up and spread his newly-formed wings. Although some loose feathers were sticking out because of static energy, he looked rather noble.

"So, was that the real Andrew Lloyd Webber?"

"Who cares."

He nodded.

"Fair point. But won't you get in trouble for using a real person in fiction?"

She grinned.

"Actually, since he traveled to the land of Fiction, he now counts as a partly fictitious character, so that's how we're gonna get around that, I guess."

"That makes no sense, but whatever. Should we wrap this up?"

"I don't see why not. Assuming this Andrew Lloyd Webber had some degree of fictionality, if there _was_ a real Andrew Lloyd Webber besides the one that just got electrocuted, there's a chance that with each passing day, he himself might die, making our fictional representation in poor taste. I mean, he's over sixty, so he doesn't have much time left, presumably. It's kinda risky to assume he'll live long enough to cross the line when today's events won't be considered 'too soon'. Like, what if he dies tomorrow? Can you _imagine_?"

Phantom crossed his arms.

"But what if this _was_ the actual Andrew Lloyd Webber?"

"Well, he threatened to kill us and attempted mass murder, so I think we can safely assume . . . that _was_ the real Andrew Lloyd Webber. Yep."

"But still fictitious?"

"Yep. Still fictitious."

"Hm. Well, I guess we'd better find everyone and tell them what happened."

"Sounds like a plan."

They descended from the roof and strolled down the cobblestone road, which was slowly being illuminated by streetlamps which turned on one by one in no particular order. Phantom folded his wings and smiled.

"So . . . three marriages."

"I know, right! That's _crazy_! Who gets married only three times? . . ."

After a pause, Phantom burst out laughing.

"I think it was worth coming back just for that."

She giggled.

"Glad you think so."


	16. Each Night, Each Morning

"Well, we survived another story," Elkay announced definitively, "I mean, Gustave didn't, but hey, that's life . . . death . . ."

Phantom sighed and ran his fingers over his ears and horns.

"I wish I could have saved him."

"Hey, he might come back . . ."

"Really?"

"No."

After a pause, Phantom stretched out his new white wings.

"So, what now?"

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, what's next? Where do we go from here?"

"Story-wise? Well, this is the last chapter . . ."

"I know, but will we have any more adventures?"

"Of course, but whether or not they'll be narrated is a different matter."

Phantom's ears drooped.

"Why's that?"

"Well, no one's really reading, so it's kinda pointless to keep telling people what happened to us. But I guess we have to please the Big Other by chronicling the important stuff like some crazy form of social media, only less visible and even more pointless."

"Ah. Well, I don't care whether or not we tell anyone what happens to us from now on, but I worry that if we don't write anything, you'll be less inclined to devote time to me."

She laughed.

"Thank you for being frank, Phantom, but despite the times I've insulted your or toyed with your emotions or choked you or slapped you or scarred you for life, I really do care about you, though perhaps my version of caring isn't really caring at all. Still, if there's a sentiment with even a minuscule semblance of love in my heart, I'm definitely devoting it to you, and not just because Ellie's gone. See, my time with other people is structured and full, but it takes a special person to spend time with when you're just doing nothing. 'Nothing' is what I like best of all, because it ends up being the stuff you remember. I plan to do more 'nothing' with you for as long as I can."

Phantom smiled sheepishly.

"Would it be too presumptuous to ask you to come back tomorrow, then?"

Elkay let out a long breath.

"I would like that very much, but who knows what will happen? I could die tomorrow. Then there would be no more stories. Not from me, anyway."

"Could I tell one?"

"I'm sure you could. Maybe you'll find your own pupil to push into an active volcano."

"I thought maybe Gustave-"

He stopped himself when he felt his voice breaking.

"You know. But I guess not."

Elkay gave him a genuinely sympathetic look and wrapped her tail around him.

"You'll have more children, I'm sure of it. You're still going strong with Elizabeth, and hey, look at what happened to me! I've had billions of kids whom I choose to abuse and ignore, and so can you!"

"Do you even keep track of them at this point?"

She smiled proudly.

"Nope! My descendants have increased exponentially. There's a reason everyone's yellow on The Simpsons, by the way . . . Worst couch gag ever."

Phantom rolled his eyes. Then, he frowned pensively.

"Elkay, what would happen if we wrote a new story?"

She tapped her chin with her claw.

"Hm, let's see . . . there would be music, new characters, an epic story . . . and maybe a few callbacks to what we did before."

"That sounds wonderful. I hope it comes to pass."

"Me too, Phanny, but I'm not entirely sure it will."

"Oh."

He looked down, but she lifted his chin with her tail.

"Hey. No matter what, you'll always be my grandson, for better or for worse. I know it doesn't mean much coming from me, but I love you."

"It means plenty, and I love me too."

She cuffed him, then gave him a hug. He returned it, but after a moment, his eyes flicked open.

"Hey, you totally should have called it 'The Silliest PhanFiction Ever Written!"

Elkay's face fell.

"FUCK!"

Phantom shrugged helplessly, but his grandmother simply laughed and gave him a wink.

"Next time . . . Next time."

 **The End**

Dedicated to Andrew Lloyd Webber

1948-2018 (Generous Estimate)


End file.
